


The Diary Of Jean Kirstein: Every Day of Every Minute, Within Every Second I Shall Wait for You.

by nialovsyounot



Category: Jean Kirstein - Fandom, Marco Bodt - Fandom, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, The Diary of Jean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-29
Updated: 2014-03-30
Packaged: 2018-01-17 09:48:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1382977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nialovsyounot/pseuds/nialovsyounot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Diary of Jean Kirstein. </p><p>In twisted events of my life:</p><p>Everyday of Every second all I seem to think about is Marco. Marco Bodt. Sure he might be any other person, but for Me, Marco is my life, and someone I care for a whole lot. I only wish I could turn back time because something terrible happens, and it's all my fault. I sometimes wish I wasn't even born, that maybe everything would have changed, but sadly my destiny or whatever the fuck you wanna call it, is just wanting my life miserable and unwanted. All the things I should have told Marco, all the things I couldn't say to Marco, and all the words I said came out wrong. I regret everything, but I can't take back my own words. This is my life and I am not so proud of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The start of this writing thing.

All the things I should have said.  
All the things I couldn't say.  
All the words came out completely wrong.

I Jean Kirstein have established something about myself:  
1.) I am a major douchebag  
2.) I am a coward  
3.) I have completely fuck everything up  
4.) I push people away

I don't even understand how I am even a man, or a human for that fact. Such a human being shouldn't exist, but there are certain people who should belong here. Marco was defiantly one of them. His smile could brighten your whole day, well it certainly did for me. I was such an idiot then, hell I am not even going to lie I am still an idiot. I should have realized my own stupid actions sooner, or at least thought about it. 

I'm pretty sure everyone hates me, for fucks sake I hate myself! I don't even understand why I am even writing this? I mean like come on, the Professor is teaching, but I can't seem to focus on the notes I am suppose to be taking. I am so gonna fail like a little piece of poop I am but, Marco. Marco. Marco. I can't stop thinking about him. He's just one person. One person I care about a whole lot. 

Every moment was so valuable with him. So fucking adorable with his little freckles. The way he laughed it seemed the time would freeze, and I do mean freeze. Even his smile would make me melt. I don't understand why I was such a coward. 

It's been about two days since that incident, and I haven't seen Marco since. Maybe it's all because of this douchebag. There could be no other reason. I laughed at him, I embarrassed him, I humiliated him in front of every one. Everything I did! Everything I said! I would take it back in a heartbeat, but that's not how it works in the world of Jean. Everything is so miserable in this life of mine. I bet you even my own family hates me. 

Sure sure, I had a good long run. High school was a breeze, but this was different. That day was different. Everything has changed since then. He changed things for me, and I fucked things up like I always do. I wish I could change things.

3/29/14 

 

Today, Marco's friend Sasha came to me. That didn't really end well. I ended up getting hit square in the face. I shouldn't complain I deserved it.Today I found out Marco is in the Hospital. Today I know it was my fault. He drank his problem (me) away, and got into a severe car accident. He ended up damaging his head, and he's currently in a coma.I felt like shit. I shouldn't say anything knowing he must be going through some of his own pain. I don't know how to handle this, and I don't know who to turn to at this point. I don't even know if I have enough balls to see him in the hospital. I should really though. I care a whole lot about him, I just don't know if I can handle knowing I did this. 

4/2/14 

I went to see Marco today. Yeah I finally grew some balls. Ugh. Marco looked awful, but peaceful. As weird as that sounds he did look peaceful. More peaceful than I am anyways. I waited for his whole family to leave his side before I entered the room to see him. Yeah I am a fucking coward. I don't know how many times I passed the hospital, and didn't go inside. It's depressing to see him like that, with his mom crying by his side, while his father tries to comfort her, while all of his siblings try so hard to fight the tears. Fuck it was hard to see that, even my heart was breaking. I waited outside the door for them to leave, but that didn't stop me from watching their actions. I felt like I was violating something, I don't know what I am missing, but I will search for it. 

4/5/14 

Today I went to the hospital, in the same room as his family. The father thanked me for coming, and his mother tried talking to me, but I couldn't understand her. Her words were just soft mumbles that were cut off by the sounds of her sniffling. Marco's siblings were no where to be found. Maybe at school? I don't even know. When his parents left I tried to talk to him. It seemed he was listening to my every word, but I already know that he really isn't. He didn't move, it seem like he wasn't even breathing, but relief fell all over me when I looked at the monitor. Today I cried while seeing him. It was actually my first time crying in front of somebody, even if he wasn't aware of it.

When I got home today, I balled like a little titi baby. I've been so depressed since that day. I've been even more depressed knowing that Marco's in the hospital. Since Marco's been gone. Since I found out I was the cause. 

Every night when I go to sleep, all I hear Sasha's words, and the the sound of Marco's cries. 

"He's in pain of every second of everyday. Don't you realize he's in there because of you! You humiliated him in front of everybody, and he tried to drink it away. Now he's in the hospital!" She basically yelled at me, before I could comprehend what she said she smacked me. Shoot I deserved it, I even wished that she hit me more, and not in a kinky way. Anyways I am still searching for whats missing. 

4/6/14 

It's 6 A.M. and I am up. I've been up since 3 A.M. , but since it's starting to get lighter I decided to write whats on my mind. I had a horrible nightmare, about Marco. He was being cremated, he was dead. It was the most horrible things I have ever experienced. I haven't been able to sleep since then. Every time I tried, fire flames and Marco's expression from that day is all I pictured. I don't have anyone to turn to, like literately all my friends have stopped talking to me. Eren, I mean I don't even like him, but he refuses to even look at me or even say something hateful. I know already what they think, I am a horrible person. 

Around one I think I am going to go to the hospital, I think I should go to take a shower, and maybe I might right in this notebook again.

6:30 P.M. 

I just barely got into my apartment. Something terrible has happened. I saw Marco's parent's sitting outside of the room on a bench. Marco's mother hid her face with her hands, and his father sat next to her, but not trying to comfort her. That was odd. Her head rose, and she literately smacked him. 

"It's all your fault, we have to pull the plug because of you." She said harshly. "If you weren't out gambling every night, then maybe we would have money to keep Marco alive." He didn't dare say a word. He looked frustrated, but I am not sure at what. That's when I came into the picture. I begged them to keep Marco, but they didn't have enough money to even eat. So that's when I decided that I Jean will support Marco. 

Maybe I could make things right. I hope I can, and also today I found out what I was missing. I was missing Marco in my life.


	2. My Billy: Because its Lame to Say My Diary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain  
> And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.  
> These streets are filled with memories  
> Both perfect and in pain  
> And all I wanna do is love you  
> But I'm the only one to blame.  
> ~Like a Knife by Second Hand Serenade

** 6/25/14  **

I finally told my parents I was quitting college. That didn't end so well. All they wanted to do was ask questions, questions, and guess what else.You guessed right! More fucking questions. I didn't know how to answer them. I just told them what happened with Marco. They didn't care, they just asked me why I cared so much. I was gonna say, because I am gay for the kid, but that wouldn't be the best solution since I am telling them I am quitting school. They shouldn't think their son is a gay failure. Perhaps they already do, but I just don't know. 

Juggling three jobs, bills, and college is just way to hard. Sure I could ask my parents for  help, but all I know is that it will end in a huge fight. My parents don't like doing anything, that doesn't effect them. Ehh now that I think about it I am ruining their reputation. Who cares? I certainly don't give a rats ass. The thing I care about now is Marco.  

Well I better get going to my third job at the gas station. I hate my boss, all she does is complain and complain.

** 6/27/14 **

The doctor says he doesn't know when Marco will awake, he doesn't even know if Marco will even wake up . He told me I should go on and live my own life. No. No. I refused and told him Marco was my life. He gave me a weird look.

  
"So what I am gay for the kid." I told him. Hey at least now I had balls to say it. I just wish I had the balls to say it three months ago, and maybe this wouldn't have even happened in the first place .  


 The doctor just gave me a reassuring smile and said " I know how it feels to love someone so much, and I am completely okay with that." He could have completely judged me, but he didn't. If you asked me what I thought about this doctor I would say he's f u c k i n g  A  o k a y with me. I would even spell it out for you.

  
 I haven't even been really sleeping at my own apartment, I've been sleeping at the hospital. I haven't really seen his family in a long time. I'm not sure whats going on with that, but it's really non of my business in the first place . I just miss Marco's company, really badly. I just want to climb in that bed with him, but the last time I did that I fucked things up. Like little things got unhooked, and things went flying. Nurses ran in and said his heart wasn't beating. I freaked out cussing up a storm, but it turns out I accidentally took off the thing that reads his heart beat, shit I don't even know what its called. All I know is that lesson is learned. No trying to get in bed with Marco, and fucking shit up. Even all the nurses are like my parents "Why were you in bed with him?" Or "What happened? How did it come off?" Questions, and even more questions. Once you tell them the story they just ask more questions. So I have decided, that trying to get in bed with Marco was a terrible fucking idea.   


So I've been sleeping on a little couch sofa thing. It didn't even matter if I got kinks in my neck the next day, or even back aches. I still went to work, and it was all worth it for Marco.  

** 6/30/14  **

I still have no idea why I write in this. Maybe to pass the time? Anyways, I am at my job. Guess who I saw today. Armin. He was at the old dvd rental place where I work. Actually I just got out of the conversation. I got on my break and Eren wasn't there, so we talked. "How have you been?" was his question. We walked a little down the sidewalk that was filled with the side stores. The light's glowed in the dark and I am not going to lie I was kinda scared. 

"Been juggling three jobs, and bills. Tired as fuck, but it's all worth it." I replied with a little fake shitty smile.

"Oh, so the rumors are true." He replied with a smile. "That's good." 

"What rumors?" I asked.

"The one where Marco's parents were gonna pull the plug, but you offered to pay the bills. You even quit college." He paused "Isn't that right?" 

"Yeah. It kinda happened like that." I said "They couldn't afford the hospital bills. I couldn't let him go." 

"He must be going through a lot of pain. I know it's really none of my business, but why couldn't you let go? Is it because you feel guilty or--?" He asked.

"I love that kid. I was an idiot then I knew I loved him, but I still denied him and humiliated him." I spoke softly.

"I don't know about your actions, but I know for a fact Marco loved you a whole lot. If your willing to work to pay his hospital bills, and willing to quit school for him. I know that you do care for him." He said with a smile, and not the kind of shitty ass kind of smile I gave earlier. "I just wish this could have happened another way." 

"You and me both." I said. "Well I should probably get some food, I haven't ate all day."  

  
"See you some time soon, and I truly wish the best for you Jean." He said while he descended into the darkness. The only reason why I wrote this damn conversation down, was to remind me that at least  that there was one other person wishing for something to happen other than me. Thanks Armin, I should have told you that earlier, but this dumb ass forgot to tell you.   


On another note I haven't really ate real food in a long time. All fast food.  It sucks, so bad. Having the same thing everyday, because I am so scared to try something new. I bet Marco is sick of that shit they give him. I bet it's not even real food. 

** 7/12/14  **

Marco's bandages were off, when I got to the hospital. I wasn't going to lie, I was kinda surprised. He kinda looked like Sleeping Beauty or Snow White. He looked like he was ready to be woken up by true loves first kiss. Pshh don't judge me Billy, you're my best friend. Yeah I fucking called you Billy you don't know how sissy it sounds to call you Diary, or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah what I said before was kinda corny, but I am not going to lie ever again. Anyways Bill I did have a thought about kissing him, but the nurse walked in before I could attempt and that's when I decided it was bad to take advantage of him. I really did wish it was that simple, get a kiss from true loves first kiss and you would awake, but that kinda stuff doesn't happen in the world of Jean. Not only that, but I might not be Marco's true love. 

** 7/13/14 **

Today I finally had the morning off. Of course I spent it with Marco. I would spend all my free time with him. I might not be his prince in shinning armor, but I am going to try to help him the best I can. I tried talking to him. I know he can't hear me, but it's the best I can do. 

  
"I am working hard for you. I don't want you to go just yet. I know I am selfish bastard, but I can't let go. Even though I wasn't there before, I am here now and I am  patiently  waiting for you to wake up. Everyday of every minute within every second I shall wait for you. Even if I get all disgustingly old and wrinkly, I will support you." I told him with streams of tears  running  down my face.   I hate crying, but every time I talk to Marco that is all that happens. Even if he could magically hear me then damn he wouldn't understand anything I've told him. I did tell him the truth, but I don't think he would believe me anyways.  


** 7/18/14  **

 

Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Ymir, and some other people that I didn't know came to visit Marco. It was an okay visit I guess. Eren just said his hateful things to me like always, but it's better than him ignoring me and giving me dirty looks. Actually it's way better because they all talked to me. I can't recall the other peoples names, I think the other girl was Annie? She seemed quiet and pissed. I have no idea why or anything. 

Anyways, nothing special happened. I told them what the doctor said, and they seemed upset. After an hour I left for work, I don't know how long they were there, but when I got back they were gone. It was just Marco and I again. I still haven't heard I single word from his family. I honestly don't know how to feel. Maybe pissed off, upset, or something? I don't feel anything at all. I just hope that one day it will be different. 

** 7/23/14 **

I got an email from Marco's dad. Apparently they had some other family issues, Marco's grandmother had a heart attack. Then after she got out of the hospital, Marco's mother had to take care of her. So, soon they will be able to come see Marco. At least that's something different. 

** 7:29 P.M.  **

I am back at my house. I needed a shower badly, I smelt like shit or something. I just smelt terrible. Once I got out I found one of my lucky beanies. I packed it in my pack, along with some other clothes. I knew I wasn't going to be back anytime soon. 

  
**8:30 P.M.**     
  


When I got on the floor where Marco's room was, I saw the doctor rush inside with nurses following along.I could feel something was wrong. I dropped my bag in panic and ran to the room. My attempt was all in vein. They refused to let me know what was going on, or to even let me in. I listened after the first time the told me. "It's an emergency, we have to operate! Please sit outside sir!" I listened. Why? Because the doctor knows best. Now I am sitting outside of the room, writing in this again. It's not like I can call anyone. Wait I should call Marco's family.... 

** 8:45 P.M.  **

I just got off the phone. They should be on their way. They live about an hour away in the country side, so it's gonna be a while. Marco is still in surgery, and I still got no fucking clue what's going on. My mind is freaking out. I hate knowing that I can't help in any sort of way. I just hate it. I just don't anything to go wrong I just don't want UGHHHHHHHHHH! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING. THIS FRUSTRATES ME!!!!!! 

I just had a thought. I would be able to help the people I love, and other people who are going this too. I should become a doctor, like the one operating on Marco right now. He's fucking a okay. I want to be a okay too. 

  
 Around 9:25 P.M.  Marco's parents finally showed up. Marco's mother was crying again. She hugged me, and for the first time I felt like I was apart of a family. It wasn't my family which made me feel even worse about myself. It was Marco's family. I bet they didn't even know that I was the cause.I wonder if they knew, if they would still treat me this way. Ugh, I shouldn't even be writing like this. Anyways when the doctor came out we jumped out of our seats and when he had our full attention he said "The operation was a success, but there was some difficultly." When he said that I started to doubt myself, and my thoughts. I started to wonder what happened, and such things like that. He then asked for the parents to follow him to his office. With that I was left standing still, in the middle of the hall way. In a way I felt I should stay outside.   


A little later Marco's parents came back to the room. They thanked me again for paying for the bills, and soon they will be able to pay for it. I told them it wasn't that big of a deal, and I was happy to help Marco anyway I could. I didn't want to ask them what happened to Marco, I felt their hearts couldn't really deal with it. I so don't know what to do. I finally got my stuff and I headed back home. It looked like the parents were going to stay for the night. I didn't want to be bother some. 

** 1:15 A.M **

When I got home it was around what 10 something? It's 1:15 A.M. and I can't sleep. Marco is on my mind. I know the doctor said it was a success, but he also said there was some difficulty. I just really wish I knew what happened. It's really depressing. I am just really worried about Marco. I just really want to know if he is okay. Like back to that Sleeping Beauty thing. I mean I wish he was never like that, but if something worse happens I want him back to where he was before


End file.
